I feel sad, broken, and lost tonight.
I'm hurting. I'm anxious. I'm worried. I'm scared. I'm lonely. I'm tired.
I want to wake up tomorrow morning and not hurt.
I want to feel normal.
I want to have a happy life.
I want someone to understand, to make me feel better if even just for a moment.
I want to feel loved.
Not like an annoyance.
Not like a burden.
Not like a disgrace.
Not like a disappointment.
Just as I sat here typing these words and silently crying, one of my two chihuahuas came up from under the covers and started kissing me because she felt me crying.
I know that was the work of one of my Angels, saying, we are here, we love you.
Pets are a type of Guardian Angel. I've learned that in my studies.
Just the love from my little Cappy girl gave me a warm feeling in my heart and made me stop crying.
It's funny how things like that happen when we need it most.
I haven't had the loving touch of a human in longer than I can remember.
I've shut myself off from those feelings at this point.
I forget how much I need that sort of love.
But because I don't have it, it's easier for me to shut those feelings off completely so that I don't have to add longing and heartache to the list of my feelings.
Tonight is a bizarre and difficult night for me. Too many thoughts and feelings.
I'm over-tired from not sleeping right because of the pain and anxiety.
I miss the days where I'd wake up with enthusiasm and optimism.
Tomorrow is another day. And I'll try again.