Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Tomorrow is another day...

I feel sad, broken, and lost tonight.
I'm hurting. I'm anxious. I'm worried. I'm scared. I'm lonely. I'm tired.

I want to wake up tomorrow morning and not hurt.
I want to feel normal.
I want to have a happy life.

I want someone to understand, to make me feel better if even just for a moment.

I want to feel loved.
Not like an annoyance.
Not like a burden.
Not like a disgrace.
Not like a disappointment.

Just as I sat here typing these words and silently crying, one of my two chihuahuas came up from under the covers and started kissing me because she felt me crying.
I know that was the work of one of my Angels, saying, we are here, we love you.
Pets are a type of Guardian Angel. I've learned that in my studies.
Just the love from my little Cappy girl gave me a warm feeling in my heart and made me stop crying.
It's funny how things like that happen when we need it most.

I haven't had the loving touch of a human in longer than I can remember.
I've shut myself off from those feelings at this point.
I forget how much I need that sort of love.
But because I don't have it, it's easier for me to shut those feelings off completely so that I don't have to add longing and heartache to the list of my feelings.

Tonight is a bizarre and difficult night for me. Too many thoughts and feelings.
I'm over-tired from not sleeping right because of the pain and anxiety.
I miss the days where I'd wake up with enthusiasm and optimism.
Tomorrow is another day. And I'll try again.

Monday, May 15, 2017

You Are Not Alone

There is nothing worse than not feeling understood or supported.
In fact, I think it can sometimes make symptoms worse.

As if it's not hard enough to struggle daily with our bodies, when we have to constantly explain or defend how we feel, it can be very hurtful. It can even make us feel hopeless.

Only those of us who suffer can truly understand what it's like. We are the only ones inside of our bodies, the only ones who can literally "feel" our pain.

If you feel like you are misunderstood or alone, please know that you're not.
I am hoping that my words can comfort you.

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

I had to say no.

Wednesday morning. May 10, 2017

I hate disappointing people. Particularly my family. 
But last night, I had to. 

My brother and sister in law wanted me to stay with my niece for a few hours this afternoon. 
I told them that I couldn't. And of course now I feel terribly guilty and awful. But I can barely stand up or walk around for more than a few minutes. I am worried that my niece will need something that I can't provide or help her with. 
The pain has been unbearable without even a two minute break for over two weeks this time. 
Once in awhile I'll get a day where I can tolerate the pain for a little while. I always "pay for it" later, but those moments allow me to shower without crying or eat dinner and actually laugh for a moment, rather than stopping every minute to compose myself. 
I haven't had one of those days in over two weeks. 
I just hope that I do get a break from the pain, even if for an hour. I hope it doesn't stay this way. 

I wake up with the sun. Always have. I just can't sleep when it's light out. And I have a very hard time falling asleep now, because of the pain. So I usually only get a few hours, and they're interrupted, of course. 
When I wake up, I usually get up, slowly and painfully make my way to the bathroom and to get some water or coffee and then it's back to laying down. 
Today I couldn't even attempt to touch the phone or get out of bed for nearly an hour. 
So I laid here. My dogs gave me some love. I prayed. I am telling myself it's ok to take it slow. 
And to sometimes, have to say no. 

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

My Life With Chronic Pain

I have degenerative disc disease, neuropathy and fibromyalgia.
And it's really about time I talk about it.

I feel like it's something that I have to keep inside and I'm tired of holding it in.

Maybe other people need help.
My doctors don't seem to understand or help and I wish I knew that someone else feels what I feel or understands. So if I can be that person for someone else, then it's worth sharing my story.

My idea for this blog is to come here and explain my pain and how it affects my life and my days.
Something like a journal but with the occasional back story on how I've come to this point.

I hope I can help someone else with my story.

Patrina xo