Wednesday, May 10, 2017

I had to say no.

Wednesday morning. May 10, 2017

I hate disappointing people. Particularly my family. 
But last night, I had to. 

My brother and sister in law wanted me to stay with my niece for a few hours this afternoon. 
I told them that I couldn't. And of course now I feel terribly guilty and awful. But I can barely stand up or walk around for more than a few minutes. I am worried that my niece will need something that I can't provide or help her with. 
The pain has been unbearable without even a two minute break for over two weeks this time. 
Once in awhile I'll get a day where I can tolerate the pain for a little while. I always "pay for it" later, but those moments allow me to shower without crying or eat dinner and actually laugh for a moment, rather than stopping every minute to compose myself. 
I haven't had one of those days in over two weeks. 
I just hope that I do get a break from the pain, even if for an hour. I hope it doesn't stay this way. 

I wake up with the sun. Always have. I just can't sleep when it's light out. And I have a very hard time falling asleep now, because of the pain. So I usually only get a few hours, and they're interrupted, of course. 
When I wake up, I usually get up, slowly and painfully make my way to the bathroom and to get some water or coffee and then it's back to laying down. 
Today I couldn't even attempt to touch the phone or get out of bed for nearly an hour. 
So I laid here. My dogs gave me some love. I prayed. I am telling myself it's ok to take it slow. 
And to sometimes, have to say no. 

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